Many individuals are asking me how to say if a female is a lesbian. And the questions most often come from females who are just starting to question their own sexual orientation. They’re scared and confused very often. In the event of (what I like to call) the late bloomer, it seems as if we never really believe of the option of being a lesbian unless, or until, as the situation may be, something dramatic hits us over the head-or heart.
These emails typically begin with a brief description of the woman’s life— married, 2.5 children, dog / cat and 2 vehicles in the garage. It often starts with the involvement of a female in a group activity. To help run a scout troop, to work with the drama class of the kid, to go back to job, something that takes her out of the house.
First she understands that in the group she really admires another female; be it the leader or another worker-bee. She is very pleased with the woman’s skills and starts working very hard to impress her, often in ways that keep her close. She starts thinking of the two as a team soon, to the point of excluding other accomplishments in her mind. Family and friends realize that she’s talking a lot about the skills and achievements of this woman and they’re starting to get uncomfortable. In the back of their mind they can’t describe the nagging sensation, but it’s there.
Next, she starts to notice the woman’s appearance, admiring the woman’s body, dressing her way, and hanging on her clothes. She’ll start to admire the power or grace of the woman. Soon she dresses up a little nicer, or totally changes her style to suit the lady she admires. She is flattered and encouraged to proceed when the female comments on her style. The shift is noticed by family and friends and again becomes uncomfortable, unable to define why.
Suddenly, she’s going to understand she’s always thinking about this lady. She may find herself thinking more about the breasts or asses of the woman. She may have a woman’s sensual dream. She will slowly come to recognize her crush on this lady, depending on how in contact with her own emotions she may be. She may not acknowledge the sexual emotions instantly, but she will acknowledge a individual who is enamored of another’s typical behavior.
Only when she is no longer able to conceal the reality from herself will a female acknowledge that she is sexually attracted to this person. Finally, she will confess to herself (although generally only in her very personal mind) that in lovers ‘ respects she likes to touch this lady. It’s at this stage that her family and friends understand they’re no longer talking about the woman, and they’re going to feel happy. Now you’re starting the voyage into your own mind and heart.
So, before you send me an email asking if I believe you’re a lesbian (and seriously, how do I know?), is any of this familiar noise? And even if it feels familiar or just like what you’ve been through, don’t be so fast changing your label for sexual orientation. Give yourself time. See how in the future you feel. It could be a one-time thing. Just realize your emotions. Open your mind to the opportunities and see what’s going on.
Until next time…