We all want to live a conscientious life. The more carefully our effect and influence produces on the interactions in which we engage, the more easily we are able to experience the contentment that interacts with others. However, most of us had experiences related to others that left us to complex feelings, sometimes overwhelming. If left unchecked, these emotions may become the creators of an emotional chaos that threatens the connections we want to appreciate. Fortunately, there are easy self-investigation instruments available that give rise to a strength of sentimental and empathic assistance if approached voluntarily and courageously. I had my share of the emotional crisis, as much as anyone else. You understand what I am talking about, the pain-producing collapse of a partnership that leaves us questioning our own ability to acknowledge love, the confrontation that generates fear, the jealousy that imperils common sense— each of these circumstances can surrender us to a lifetime of unsuccessful links, or be used to bring about the desire for change.
As the concept of taking a private inventory of feelings and behaviors has been around for millennia, the method I use for self-investigation is not new. It is not the result of the motion of regeneration or of any religion specified. By using an stock technique, however, these organizations have discovered that by searching profoundly and without fear at our own operations, we can find simple, though not necessarily easy, alternatives to very complex issues. Based on everything I have learned about what keeps me mentally well and affirmatively sound, the following are the phases I use: the main consideration here is that you have to be frank, you have to be prepared to go inside and face some difficult realities. And remember, it’s about and for you alone!
- First, you want to set all the operations, all the repression and all the manipulations you used to get your own way on paper (or computer screen). What feelings have you developed in these behaviors? Write down the name of all the individuals who have participated in creating the manner you feel for each state of emotion that you are now in. Focus on how the person played the caretaker or was cared for by you after each name. Where have you selected to be controllable and manipulative in all this care? What are the angers felt on your list for each individual? Answer the same question about the following emotions: pain; fear; anger; anger (as in hysterics and unfounded anger); victimization (how did you allow yourself to be harmed by these others; how did you do the same to yourself; how did you hurt them?); and values (which restrict you? What texts do you send to yourself that you feel are unreal?). In what fields of your lives have you been neglected by this issue? Where have you failed to assume accountability (taking your feelings and tax responsibilities into consideration)? What are your limits? Where didn’t you keep these same limits? What are your emotions of guilt? Where did you fail to love yourself? Of others? Is the connection lacking intimacy? (If it’s a sexual relationship, do you have sex at times when you don’t want it? Do you ever ask for sex when your partner doesn’t want it?) What is your self-worth? Do you feel that your presence on your list is important in the lives of each person? What about confidence? Write down the emotions you have about each person’s trust, faith, and hope that you use to set up shop. See how trustworthy you were now. Can the people on your list trust you to do the things you’re talking about and trust what you’re saying and doing as real? Can you do them the same thing? Respond to the issue “why or why not” for all the issues on confidence? How stuck were you in your present thinking procedures? Where do you think such an emotion is established if it’s one of negativity? Do you attract individuals who are sick and needy? Are you drawn to females who are sick and needy?
- This is where you write down all the stuff you’ve produced that have troubled you in the scenario. Take the same list of names you’ve already developed and write about how each individual and you have been influenced by your actions, behaviors, misbehaviors, and inaction. What’s wrong with you? Where have you been successful? Can you define a moral situation that is the basis of each partnership? Every person’s writing about the happiness enables you to feel. If there’s no pleasure, why do you think the individual is first and foremost in your lives?
- Now, write down all you believe the individuals on your list did to harm you. If it is useful, choose one particular day in your relationship and say how or if the activities of the person have generated your present state of dissatisfaction. What portion of their conduct has your own decisions performed? If the feeling you have is negativity, do you think you took responsibility for other people’s behaviors? Were you worthy of that misplaced liability? Is there any messages within you saying you have to take care of others before you take care of yourself? Where do you think these messages came from?
- It is now very important for you to set down a list of all the things you honestly believe to be good in you. Setting a list of all the things you honestly believe to be good in you is now very important for you. What are your greatest assets and attributes? Do you have a hard time thinking about things like that? What are the best characteristics of yours? What do you think is why other females fall in love with you (or what do they find lovable in)? What makes you happy? Where is the origin of your internal happiness?
- Now that you’ve had the chance to think about these things, it’s a good idea to write your life’s tale as it’s revealed— writes about you. Do not force yourself to remember the whole of your life, just write about the different relationships and events that come to you naturally. Do you discover certain particular memories returned in writing about the hurtful feelings in steps 1-3? What do you hear about your present condition from these memories? How do they connect to your feeling now? Do you notice any big memory gaps? What do you believe that means you’ve got them? Write down what you did in life, the times you lived up to your own expectations and the times you didn’t. How did other people’s expectations inform your background? What occurrences brought private fulfillment to you? What behaviors did your guilt create? If you discover a scenario that seems to have a higher effect on your present thinking, write down all you can. What do you believe this is revealing?
- While in the earlier steps of this inventory we touched on fear, anger, shame, guilt, adverse feelings, and resentment, now it’s a good idea to look specifically at these items. Start with a list of those individuals and circumstances about which you have resentments-as many as you can remember. Then write down in a room below each resentment whether it was formed and sustained out of fear, shame, guilt, a adverse self-image, or a continuous state of rage. Imagine you’re resentful of your mom and list this under her name: “Mom says she accepts my lesbianism, but then leads me to feel guilty of not getting married and having kids,” well, it’s evident that this can show a lot of why you’re at odds with a woman. Remember, it’s not about generating shame in you for the stuff you’ve said and done, but about remembering unresolved problems so you can cure.
Once you’ve written all of these stuff out, it’s essential to inform another individual to the resolution process. The person you reveal to understand what you are doing is obviously of utmost importance, and is not someone who will ever reveal the nature of the contents of your inventory or use what they have learned against you in any way whatsoever. Personally, I went to a Catholic nun, a rabbi, a beloved understood uncle, a nice friend, and a beloved teacher from my past. Because everybody fully understood my intention to open myself to them, that it wasn’t about being tough on myself, but about being fearless and thorough, the nature of taking such a risk started the inner healing and self-forgiveness mechanism.
You can find MizzT in the Lesbian Worlds forums.