The issue now is that I still have acceptance issues after all this moment. I only informed my two best friends (who had been in a dedicated lesbian relationship for more than 15 years but only came to me four years ago). And now there is a threat to my connection with my partner. Part of me think I can never accept this because I understand there are some things I can never have with her…
I don’t understand what you’re supposed to do, what you’re not all about, but I understand some stuff about me. None of this is meant to indicate that I know what you are experiencing. I only know what I’ve gone through.
It is totally true that if you continued indefinitely today, you would never embrace being a lesbian (or choose any term that identifies you). Coming out is an acceptance component, not a consequence of it. If you’re still waiting for the heavenly lightning bolt that makes it all OK, you’re likely to wait forever.
You are dealing with two things right now: you and you. I believe it might be difficult to approach it from the point of perspective of the latter. If your reason is to make someone else happy, you won’t learn to love yourself. Maybe you should begin by learning to love yourself because beyond your dreams, it will make you happy.
Everything is a bit broken in life. We live daily with that brokenness. Looking for beauty in the brokenness is what we all do to make everything feel better. Love is a small answer to the large issue, romantic and respectful.
No lesbianism or sex or attraction is the problem at hand. The problem is love. Lesbianism is not about sex or appeal; lesbianism is about females in love. You don’t need to be a lesbian; you just need to be in love— first with yourself, then with her.
If I say you can have anything with a person you can have with a female, that’s what I mean. Holding hands in public and kissing? Think about what precisely stops you from doing this. How much of it is really fear about what other individuals are going to do to you and how much is shame about who you are and what other individuals are going to think about? These days I’m living in the big city, but in West Texas I’ve lived and loved and held hands in public, so don’t believe it’s possible. The first time is the most difficult.
It is impossible for straight women to have kids with their males. Many of them switch to items that are much icier to get pregnant than a turkey baster. There is no more “normal” way of becoming pregnant than a “normal” manner of having sex. If you choose not to have kids, recognize that a precious decision has been made, not something forced on you by a “lifestyle,” but I think you’ve been told in a million distinct ways why you’ve come out and be a lesbian or a bisexual woman or you or anything that’s not worse than being straight. But that doesn’t really seem to assist at all.
Why it’s better, I can inform you. It’s not a curse. It’s not even a silver lining black cloud. This love is a blessing, this life, this “lifestyle.”
The most interesting thing I’ve ever accomplished is to come out. It’s with me now, though in a while I haven’t been coming out. I don’t come out anymore. I’m out now. I haven’t begun a discussion in years with, “I’ve got something to say you….” But I was flying when I was doing that, when I was consumed by the desire to share who I was and what an amazing, beautiful thing I had discovered and consumed at the same time by the desire to hide under my bed until Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was rescinded.
For years and years and years, there’s nothing like lying to yourself and to everyone else and then stopping. It’s like being chopped out. It wasn’t all right with everyone; heck, I don’t remember being all right myself, but I was safe at least. The first time I walked into a lesbian space was like the first moment I had ever had a deep breath.
Because I’m a dyke, I encountered an array of the planet’s most incredible, varied, smart, twisted, damaged, and human individuals. Because I am homosexual, I have seen and heard and become things without my orientation that I would never have seen, heard or become. By taking the time to tell them the truth and just being homosexual, I’ve learned more about true love for my lovers and friends. I’m alive now because gay people care for each other, and some have taken incredible care of me. Honestly, before I came out, I didn’t have faith in humanity, and now I’m constantly amazed at the lengths we’re going to love each other through brokenness. Lesbianism is by far the best thing that ever occurred to me, and many great things occurred to me. Someone said the same thing to me when I came out, and I thought it was nuts. I believed in my politically correct manner, “it’s just a gender!.” And I was right in a manner that was politically correct. If you let it, sex is going to be just sex, and a woman is going to be just a woman, and your life is going to intersect with a million different actions and individuals, and you can wave past your way. If you let it, it could be just about gender, and it could be unimportant about gender.
And if you let it, it might be the most amazing, happiest, painful experience and part of your being. None of us ever became anything. In the process of becoming we are all of us, and the secret is never to believe that we grow up.
There’s nothing you need to be at all. But part of the agreement when you sign the life you’ve got is that you’re going to be precisely what you’re right now. Exactly and utterly scared, precise and totally excited, precise and confused. Part of the agreement is that inside your lives you will get all the way and be all, comprehend all that it is. It’s the gift.
Helen can be found at the Lesbian Worlds forum.