For heterosexual couples, abusive relationships are no longer solely— if ever they were. While females are reputed to be loving and nurturing, in our relationships we are also quite capable of being abusive. There were a number of females in a latest online poll who confessed that they were uncertain if they had ever been engaged in an abusive relationship. Admittedly, there are many levels and kinds of abuse, so I think it is understandable that somebody might be uncertain if their relationship is merely called a painful experience or is fully described as a relationship of abuse.
Then there is, of course, the shame one feels as a victim of violence. The issue of “how could I have permitted it to happen?” comes to mind, immediately accompanied with a sense of shame and guilt. Once you have confessed that the situation was abusive, you must recognize the length of moment that you have permitted it to remain. As if the abuse pain wasn’t enough, you have to accept, recognize and forgive yourself now. As we all understand, it’s much easier to say than done.
Well, before we beat ourselves with shame and guilt, it’s essential to know about the dynamics of violence, as most females are victims of ignorance rather than purpose.
The first step towards an abusive scenario is to give up control over one partner’s lives. Few females deliberately hand over control of their life to their partners-rather it is something that begins as an insignificant condition that then develops to embrace their entire life.
Go through the list below and see how you and your connection are concerned about how much or little.
Control Through Criticism:
it makes me feel like I’m never doing the correct thing. There’s never anything nice enough. She makes me feel like I don’t have enough support and love. Her compliments are often backhanded: “For the first moment in ages, you look appealing.” She rejects my insecurities as it is unimportant to tell me that my emotions are foolish. She calls me names of derogation such as whore, dummy, or bitch. She often corrects stuff that I say or do – it’s just her way. I’m tense when we’re around others because I’m expecting something I’ve done to humiliate me.
Control Through moodiness, anger and threats
I’m afraid she’s going to get mad if I’m the least late. She expects me to read her mind and lose her temper when I can’t. I’m often tense around the house because I don’t understand what’s going to set her off. She blows up and stops speaking to me when I do something she thinks is wrong.
Control Through Overprotection and Caring
She doesn’t like when I’m away from home because she worries too much about me. She becomes jealous when I talk to others. She often calls or drops by work to see if I’m all right. She makes all the errands so I don’t have to go out. She says I don’t need to work because she likes to take care of me.
Control Through Denying Your Perceptions
She will act very cruelly and then say that I’m too sensitive and can’t take a joke. She often breaks promises and then claims that she never made the promise. She makes a public scene and then accuses me of exaggerating or fabricating. She demonstrates excessive interest in my feelings and tries to persuade me that I need a shrink. She says that I often imagine things.
Control by Ignoring Your Needs and Opinions
She never helps when the children or I’m sick-denying promises to help. She expects me to drop anything I do when she wants my attention. When I speak she will interrupt, twist my words or forget what I’ve just said. She shifts the topic as quickly as I try to solve a problem.
Control Through Decision Making
She always has to have the last word. Even if we come to an agreement, she’ll go out and do the opposite. If I attempt to discuss a choice she made without consulting me, she labels it as harping. She says that some topics are not open to discussion. She says it’s her duty to make choices for the family. She says it’s her duty to make choices.
Control Through Money
She’s not going to share data about our economic situation. I have to account for any cash I spend. She’s spending cash without thinking about it, but she’s going to blame me angrily when there’s no one left. I have to ask for cash when I need it. She says I should be happy to help her financially. She provides me all I want, but she reminds me that I could never live so well without her.
Control Through Shifting Responsibility
If I tell her that she’s bossy and overly critical, she informs me that I’m immature. She blames me for her failure to remain sober. She says that if I ever leave her, she’ll kill herself and I’ll be to blame. When she loses her job she blamed me and now she refuses to look for work. She blames the kids and me for her loss of temper. She blames me for her loss of temper.
Control Through Limiting Contact With Other People
She begins a struggle when I want to go out. She doesn’t like me to spend time with my family-either with or without her. She says I never give her enough of myself to spend all my time on others. Although she doesn’t say it, I feel like she expects me to ask permission to go somewhere.
Control Through Physical Intimidation
She blocks the door so that during an argument. When angry, she stands very close to me while clenching her fists. I feel scared when we argue, so I stop. She throws and breaks things when angry. She destroys my clothes and personal things. She won’t leave me alone when I ask her to do that. She won’t let me sleep.
Control Through Sexual Humiliation
She presses me to have sex in ways that make me uncomfortable. She makes sexual jokes about me to others and to the kids. She makes fun of my body. She attempts to attract my friends and family members. She forces me to dress in ways that make me feel uncomfortable.
Control Through Physical and Sexual Violence
She’s throwing stuff at me. She’s beating my head against the wall. She’s shocking me. She’s kicking me. She’s pushing me. She’s hitting me. She’s forcing me to have sex with others. She’s raping me. She’s threatening me with weapons. She’s hurting me and then she’s not going to let me go to the hospital or see a doctor.
How many behaviors have you never noticed until these issues have been asked to you? How many behaviors have you deemed acceptable before? I leave you with the responses.
Until next time…